July 31, 2015

3 Tools to Unpoison

Goop, the brainchild of actress Gwyneth Paltrow, has posted one of the best articles that I've ever read on creating a healthy relationship and the 3 things that can poison it. After riding on the roller coaster of marriage with Mister Fix-It for almost 32 years, I am forever interested in finding better ways to communicate and create greater intimacy together.

There have been lulls however over the years when I haven't been interested of course.

Part of a long relationship's ebb and flow I guess.

Okay here goes:

(The great thing is that these pertain to all kinds of relationships- romantic unions, friendships and family connections etc)

Poison #1:

When we have negative thoughts about someone that we are in a relationship with it creates a poison. Even if we don't express these thoughts ( judgements) it disrupts the good energy and creates a field of negative energy because people can very easily read the body language that comes with negative thoughts.

The goal is to replace negative thoughts with positive ones. Sometimes easier said than done omg.

Poison #2:

The second poison occurs when we fail to validate the person that we are in a relationship with. The basic human need isn't so much to be loved but rather to be acknowledged and seen in a positive light.

The goal is to be able to recognize and fulfill our partner's basic human needs. They describe it as giving a doggie treat to our partner.

Poison #3: 

The third poison is relationship over-dependency. Every time we ask too much of our partner, in terms of  meeting our needs/solving our problems, we ask too much of the relationship.

The goal is to have a life outside of our relationship. When we do, we find fresh energy and come back to the relationship with something new to enrich it.

Numerous times when I've felt bored in our marriage I've realized that I'm actually just bored with MYSELF and as soon as I go out and find personal enrichment, it magically enriches us.

It's crazy how well it works.

The author says this about his wife's grandparents:

"When they looked at one another, you could see in their eyes, that they put their bond with each other above their own selfish interests. Just take a moment right now and imagine how great it would be to be in a relationship that had that kind of all-for-one and one-for-all spirit."

Love this.