How to Handle Difficult People

You may be getting my posts delivered for the first time in quite awhile as I accidently didn't have my delivery service connected for the longest time....😌

Below, at the bottom of this post, is one of the most powerful and helpful podcasts I have ever listened to. It is also available JUST ON AUDIO HERE  if you'd like to drive and listen to it or go for a walk etc. 

Talk about a profound ability for change.

The Importance of Connection

Everyday it seems the world is getting harder, far less connected and less loving. David Brooks, author of How To Know A Person, was recently interviewed on PBS and he has a wonderful message to share:

Beautiful Aging Souls Are We

As I continue to let my hair gray, sometimes I catch my reflection and think "Who is this older woman?" Usually I celebrate her but also, in some moments, mourn my younger self, while loving the arrival of my gray and the new, more real me & authentic, natural beauty.

It's a lot to put together this whole aging thing isn't it? Even though, in simpler terms, it's as natural as getting our baby teeth. 

Lately a friend questioned whether she should dye her gorgeous gray locks while looking for a new job. I suggested that she doesn't. I questioned if she really wants to work for someone who might judge her ability to be a good employee partly by her age and hair color. 

It’s unfortunate that we even have to consider this question. Women certainly more than men. 

The whole ageism culture we live in is exhausting head trash. I desire, at least in some small way, to change people's perceptions of the aging process. 

My wish for everyone is to age more peacefully, like the generations of women who aged before us. 

How lucky we are to be able to age?

So lucky, especially as of late, with the boogie monster of Covid all around us.

So in this light, I have two things to share with you this week. The first is my PINTEREST BOARD that is full of gorgeous, wrinkly, beautiful, aging souls.

Eye candy. Truly.

The softening of all of us. 

We are all works of art.  

The 2nd is a PODCAST with Brene Brown and Sonya Renee Taylor, the author of The Body Is Not an Apology- The Power of Radical Self -Love .

SONYA'S WEBSITE is also fabulous and has a free download on 10 Tools For Radical Self- Love, on the right hand side of her homepage.

Chow and love for now, my aging beauties. 💜

What is in Our Way?

As I train to be a health & wellness coach and working with clients now, I am really seeing how people's saboteurs get in the way of what they want in their life and finding what truly resonates for themselves.

There are all sorts of saboteurs. Many people have a perfectionist saboteur that keeps them from taking risks and trying new things, because of their huge fear of failure.

The book POSITIVE INTELLIGENCE (I love this term) talks quite a bit about the saboteur. Below, author Shirzad Charmine, shares what he knows about them.

Positive Intelligence (PQ, as opposed to IQ and EQ) measures the percentage of time your mind is serving you, as opposed to sabotaging you.

If you'd like to take the free test to see what your saboteurs are, CLICK HERE.

Holding Our Pain

On my long arduous commutes as of late through Boston traffic, I started listening to books on tape. This has been a wonderful distraction away from all the cement and cars, as I try my best to avoid being hit by another car or hitting one.

One of the books I have listened to is LOVE WARRIOR. Had I not been on the road, I think I most likely would have chucked the book to the side, as it initially felt way too light & fluffy for me. I knew that it was a best seller however and that I should give it a little more time, so I patiently waited for it to reach the depths that I was looking for and I am so glad that I hung on for its gems.

I love what author Glennon Doyle shares about what she terms the "hot loneliness" of our pain. The loneliness that everyone experiences in pain, and when we do, we hit the "easy buttons" (food, booze, drugs, shopping, porn...) to keep ourselves from feeling pain, which keeps us from moving through it and beyond it.

Hot loneliness, the feeling of sitting with our emotions and not shoving them down or away.

Not only do we try to rescue ourselves from our hot loneliness, we try to rescue our kids and other loved ones from theirs as well. The lesson here is to allow them to be with their pain and then they can move through it, instead of hitting the "easy buttons" and allowing the pain to fester.

As Glennon explains, we would be much better friends if we weren't so afraid of our pain.

For me, I've known this to be true in my own life. I've known I have to pass through the darkness to get to the light, but Love Warrior put it in a new, very helpful context for me:

Hold it. Get intimate with it. Let it be okay. Don't fear it and push it away.

And in doing this, we find our strength.

It's beautiful actually.

First our pain,
then our rising.
💗

And In The End

.......the love you take, is equal to the love you make.
 ~ Lennon & McCartney

I’ve had quite the journey in what has historically been a long, loving, ebb and flow, 30 year marriage.

Until the last few years, when the tides navigated a much more challenging course.

It’s a meandering story of course but I will share this- being at the effect of some else’s quandary has been excruciatingly difficult.

My patience more than ran its course and about a week before my mom passed, I finally began to cut the cord from the sorrowful tunnel where I had been residing, stretching deep from the umbilicus.

I know... :-(

The house has been sold and I've moved to a nourishing little new abode where I’ve begun to lay down a fresh path for myself. It’s been a hard road of severing the octopus tentacles of my emotional entanglement, to so many things this year.

I keep reminding myself that it's okay for life to not turn out the way I always thought it would.

I keep trying to remain in the present, and not rehash the past, or worry about the future. 

"Be here now", I tell myself over and over again.

Take life, just one day at a time. 

I keep reaching to trust the process and searching, like a spiritual inspectress, for the silver linings.

And I can’t tell you how much better I feel. Not yet better, in all ways, than how I once felt, but so many little gems of happiness better, from where I’ve been.

Baby steps for us all, my dearhearts.

Several things have helped me to not end up in a cuckoo's nest:

• Every day I try my best to take care of myself. Yoga, swimming, running, eating well, journaling, getting enough sleep and talking with loved ones. ( a great article on journaling here)

• Each day I ask myself "What needs to be done today?" and as best as I can, I set about doing it. 

• Changing the channel in my head, when I begin to go down the road of SHOOTING 2ND ARROWS- Either arrows shot backwards at myself, by rehashing unhelpful thoughts and conversations, or arrows of worry, or arrows at someone else, when I forget to stop and proceed with love and acceptance, rather than anger and resentment.

• Reading articles and books, like this FABULOUS ONE. Sound support for not taking someone else's situation personally and focusing instead on the best personal mind, body, spirit self-care of your life.

• The wonderful guidance and spiritual resources of MARC & ANGEL HACK LIFE.

• My therapist. Thank gawd for him is all I can say. He reminds me frequently that I am soundly stable and am handing well the mother load that was laid before me this year. He helped me from slipping into the gutter.

• And lastly- and this has been hard amidst the craziness of a new life- keep doing and searching for what I love. For what lights me up. For what rings my bell. For what brings me joy.

 ....And for how I can harness my new found strength and play it forward.

Phew, this was a big one.

May love and peace and gratitude, be with us all,

💜 Louise

Our Souls Must Notice What We Do With Them

"Our bodies shrink, crumble, lose their robustness, while the face gains distinction and beauty. How sad that we don't see enough old faces in the youth-crazed west, I thought. Surely some ethical damage occurs when the faces of old people aren't on view, or their faces have been tucked, pulled and made-over, preventing wisdom from seeping through the cracks. It seems dishonest to keep hidden what becomes of our true faces. Our souls must notice what we do with them."

By Laurie Gough

Thank you for your beautiful wisdom Laurie.

From her book, Kiss the Sunset Pig

 

A Few Things

The above is so in keeping with the quote, "Where attention goes, energy flows"

A lesson for us all.

Also this week, entrepreneurial coach, Brenda Stanton, has an excellent piece on approval addiction.
 
On the lighter side... former Lines of  Beauty, beauty of the week, Gigi Schilling, has a new book out called Ageless Bride, for brides over 50. Check it out if you know of anyone in their 2nd half-century getting married soon :-)

I hope you're having a nice weekend everyone.

Sending love to you,

Louise

The Wholeness of Who We Are

This week, a beautiful clip by Elisa Romeo from Hay House Radio.

The soul is the wholeness of who we are,

The wisest and most loving part of us.

The part of us that really matters

and lasts forever.

In Ourselves

Amidst the craziness of this mixed-up world, I find this quote empowering.

Amidst the craziness of my own life, I am finding peace and solace by reading more lately and being on the web less. I've also found it by journaling, which I haven't done much of for years.

Journaling helps me to crystallize my thoughts and is also a great tool for reflecting back on them.

Journaling feels like truth serum. It is a great support for our intentions.

As my mom loses her memory, I can see that I might really like to have my journals to read, in the years ahead.

Or even now- Gosh, isn't it so hard sometimes to remember what we thought?

I am reading a lovely book called Crossing to Safety by Wallace Stegner. It tells the story of two couples, who meet each other during the Great Depression when they are young, and follows their lives for many many years.

Stegner's writing is like poetry, like butter.

Also this week, I came across this great article again on lasting relationships. It explains that healthy ones come down to basic traits. After 32 years of being in the ebb and flow with Mr. Fix-It, I totally agree.

Have a nice week my friends,
xo

Reminders

9am Thursday: garbage/recycling out

9:30 Thursday: transfer grocery $ (to college child)

10am: 20 push-ups

5pm Mon and Wed: hydrate for swim practice

10:30pm: Time to wrap it up

I've been using the reminder app on my Iphone for 

about a year to remind me to do things and it's been very helpful.

Except for one thing-

the 10:30pm "time to wrap it up" reminder.

This is supposedly a reminder to myself that I have 30 minutes to finish whatever I'm doing, get in bed, read and get a good night's sleep.

But it rarely works.

The ding goes off on my phone and I usually look at it 

and think "Yeh yeh I don't feel like going to bed right now."
It's like having a nagging parent because I'm a perennial night owl and love the evening.

But the truth is that saying up late and being sleep deprived the next day never benefits me. 

It's terrible self care.

It makes the circles under my eyes worse.

It gives me less bandwidth for my long list of responsibilities 

and I know that getting enough sleep is high on the list for maintaining health.

Yada yada yada....

So I thought to myself-

Maybe I need to edit the 10:30 "time to wrap it up" and make it more of an affirmation?

Maybe I should edit the reminder to say, "I desire to be healthy and well rested"?

...and hopefully this will help.

I think it will. Maybe, but maybe not!

Also this week- I'm reading "Can't We Talk About Something More PLEASANT?"

by New Yorker cartoonist Roz Chast. Gosh is it entertaining and funny. It was one of The New York Time's top 10 books in 2014 so it pretty much speaks for itself.

It's 11:30pm and I am off to read it now...

Respecting Our Core

I enjoyed a conversation recently with author Sylvia Resnick whose 8th book, The Evolution of the Hollywood Heartthrob, was recently published. At the age of 88, she is currently under contract to write an erotic historical romance.

Keep on keeping on girl!

So what might a woman who has written about Hollywood since 1964, who loves Pinterest, tea and dancing have to share about aging?

 

Sylvia began by saying that women need to stop worrying about getting older and just enjoy life! Be yourself she says. Really be yourself. Look into your heart and ask, "Who am I really?" and be that person. Don't let others take you away from what you want to do.

Sylvia suggests that we reach inside of ourselves and respect what is in our core, as everyone is an individual.

She also suggests we do not watch the news before going to sleep as it tends to put negative images in our mind. I so agree. Instead she likes to watch reruns of her favorite comedy series before nodding off.

Lastly, Sylvia says to have fun and be VERY good to ourselves. She doesn't believe in denying herself at this stage. This includes enjoying some spa pampering and indulging in her favorite vice, an occasional hot fudge sundae. I told her I love them as well.

I wish you lived closer Sylvia. We could have a sundae and then some tea.

Thank you for stopping into Lines of Beauty, dear heart.

Louise

 

Unbroken

If you can believe it, the computer that I normally blog on in my office is a Windows 2000.

Yep.

I like this computer partly because it has a huge screen and it's especially great for viewing things such as Pinterest.

I've also liked that, until now, I haven't succumb to moving on to better, hipper technology. For so long an antique computer was working for me, abet, a bit more slowly. When my 23 year-old nephew saw it this past summer he said "Wow, I guess we don't always have to be updating our computers."

Yes and throwing all the outdated ones, along with our cell phones, into a landfill.

Where I am writing to you from now, however, is on a much newer computer in part of the house that I don't heat in the winter, unless everyone is home. So it's freaking freezing in here!

Bet ya didn't know how frugal I am until now.

Clearly it's time to move this computer down to my office.

I'm just fearful that I won't get it all hooked up successfully...


Last night I went to see the movie Unbroken. I loved the story of Louis Zamperini's life, who traveled all over the map in terms of personal successes and incredible hardship and adversity. He died in July, at the age of ninety-seven, but luckily was able to see rough footage of the movie, with director Angelina Jolie, before he passed away.

One of my favorite quotes of his at age 93 was, "I have a cheerful countenance at all times. When you have a good attitude your immune system is fortified."

I think this is so true. Struggles in our hearts, and in our heads, can create upheaval in our bodies.

Last week there was an interesting article on CNN on aging. Researchers, not surprisingly, have found that the way we perceive aging influences how we age. Especially interesting to me were the findings that expecting memory decline can actually contribute to memory loss. It makes sense actually.

I am fearful of losing my memory, as it runs in my family, and I'm already experiencing it some. Especially in terms of word recall and forgetting if I've already told someone something. It's so annoying.

Something tells me that you can relate.

It's reassuring to hear from a neuro-psychologist, however, of the research on how unrefined, non-GMO, coconut oil is benefiting people with memory issues.

I haven't started taking it yet but I will keep you posted.

If I can remember. :-)

Have a good week everyone,
XO

For Her

Photo by Franci Strumpher

A few weeks ago a friend sent me this quote from a book that she was reading and enjoying called The Map of Love:

"Old people are always starved of touch: no husband, no lover, no child to slip a hand into a hand, to plant sticky kisses on nose and cheek and mouth, to snuggle and fit into the curves of the body. I watched my grandmother in her last years: her hands, the skin drawn parchment-like over the bones, stroking, stroking, stroking the chairs, the table, the bedspread."

I can't stop thinking about how true this is. I remember my own grandmother always stroking the edge of her lavender wool blanket between her thumb and forefinger. I remember her beautiful wrinkly hands and her strong, rounded fingernails.

Touching, touching. Loving to run her brush through her gently curled hair.

You may remember me saying that my Dad once said that the best thing that retirement homes could do would be to put everyone in a bed with someone else.

Recently, I went to church with my nearly 93-year-old mom. I scooched over closer to her in the pew, drawing her closer to me and put my arm around her shoulders, as we listened and settled in.

She took my hand and held it, as I rubbed the warmth of her long narrow fingers.

I try to hug her as much as I can. For her. For me. Holding her and slowly breathing her in. Knowing that someday there will be no more of her.

For me.

In Its Place

I was entertained recently by an article in the New York Times called Kissing Your Socks Goodbye about home organization advice from a Japanese woman named Marie Kondo, who refers to herself as a "tidying consultant."

Marie Kondo, let me just say it now-

I love you.

As her book title states, tidying up is life-changing magic.

So much for asking ourselves if we need something, or if it is out of style, or if it still fits....

Kondo advises to discard EVERYTHING that doesn't bring us joy.

Her thoughts on sorting papers is the most liberating of all:

Just throw them all away!

(In this day of computers I think we almost can thank god)

I've read about the relationship between tidy homes and the care we take for our bodies. I can't imagine that there isn't a correlation between tidying and what we choose to sweep under the rug- or decide to address with ourselves and in our relationships as well...

But to discard EVERYTHING that doesn't bring us joy?
 
Holy moly, I think I have to think about this.

Although there are things that I could toss in a heartbeat, there are several "levels of joy" that surround me here...

For example she says to throw out all my buttons...

Wait. WHAT?

Evelyn

Ninety-eight year old Evelyn had her driver's license taken away because she was told she was too old to drive. For most 98-year-old folks this would be an appropriate move I'd say, but for someone like Evelyn, this was a classic example of ageism. I love her reaction to the situation.

A few years back I went to hear Margaret Morganroth Gullette, author of Agewise, speak on ageism. I thoroughly enjoyed her and contacted her afterward to see if I could interview her for Lines of Beauty. She suggested I read the book and call her with some interview questions.

Well....

In typical Louise fashion, I never read the book.

I've noticed I read much less now with it being so easy to google and social-media-ize the night away, and I really miss reading.

So the other day I stole myself away to the ocean again for a few hours.

Just me, and a new book, and a hot fudge sundae.

I sat down and thought "There is NOTHING I'd rather be doing right now."

That thought, in and of itself, was a delightful thing.

And the beauty of the beach, besides the sand, and the sun, and the sound of the waves-

was that there wasn't any cell reception.

Amen.

Take me away, new book, take me away!

Moula

I remember reading once that in regards to money, people basically are either consumers or investors. Simply put, consumers get more pleasure spending money and investors get more pleasure saving it. I am much more of an investor, especially now with two kids in college, and as I stare down the trail of what I pray will someday lead us to retirement.

Recently we've been enjoying playing a board game called Cashflow that was designed by the guy who wrote the book Rich Dad, Poor Dad. Gosh I wish I had played this game YEARS ago as I've learned so much about investing, creating passive income, and getting out of the rat race. I HIGHLY recommend the game for teenagers and up. Our kids have played it with us and have learned a lot as well. Plus it's easy to learn and fun.

... and it would make a great holiday gift.

Lastly, and this is why I really wanted to write this post- On Sunday, I went to the beach with a friend and fellow beachcomber- oh man...hallelujah!...as I've only been there one other time all summer. I pray I can go back again before its too late and breath in a little more of that salty deliciousness. Anyway, we stopped along the way for a sandwich to take with us and the woman at the counter handed me a receipt. It was one of those semi-shiny receipts that apparently is coated in that nasty chemical BPA. This is something I never knew until I read about it on Dominique Browning's blog several years ago.

Been meaning to tell you.

Anyway, best to say "no thank you" the next time someone asks if you want a receipt. Pass it up like a cigarette. Help save a tree and our health.

Oh yes and one more thing- I can't tell you how much I love that my bank has an app and I no longer have to go to an ATM to deposit a check. It's crazy weird- but crazy good- that all we have to do now is take a picture of a check with our phone.

wtf?

Our ancestors might just roll over in their graves if they knew.

xo

Living, Loving & Unlearning

I thoroughly enjoyed reading Living, Loving & Unlearning, written by therapist Cynthia Brennen, who as some of you know, has been my close friend since 5th grade.

Cindy's new book is chock-full of helpful reminders and tools, written from the heart, to help us be more of who we really are. 

Here is just a sampling: 

Unlearning is the process of erasing all that is not in alignment with the beat of your soul. It is reevaluating those things you were told to be, think, and feel, and decide whether those experiences serve you in conjunction with your inner knowing or not.

The truer you are to your heart’s desire, the truer you are to your authentic self. The truth sets you free.

Anything that doesn’t feel comfortable in the pit of your gut is worth reevaluating. 

What we think about we become. Who we spend time with, is the vibrational energy that we emit. What we surround ourselves with, is how we feel. 

Only you have created what exists in your life, and only you can change it. 

Living, Loving & Unlearning at Barnes & Noble

The less energy you give a negative vibe, the less you feed its strength. 

I love this one:

Denial = Don’t Even Notice I am Lying. 

The power of forgiveness- such a good reminder!

The higher road to health is always available- Do you choose a life of positivity and joy or a life of negativity and sadness? 

Plus, 10 tips to push anxiety and depression aside. 

These are only a few of my favorites, and just the tip of the iceberg, of the wisdom that Cindy shares.

Enjoy the read. 

Living, Loving & Unlearning is available online if you are interested here.

Here's hoping that you have a labor free labor day.

xo,
Louise

Choices That Serve Us Better

Choice, not chance, determines our destiny.  ~Aristotle

This week's post is written by gum surgeon Dr. Cheryl Townsend Winter, who was featured on Lines of Beauty a few years ago, when she was in the middle of writing her book. The book is now complete and chock full of very helpful guidance for the journey of aging.:

I like to think of life as a piece of art of which we are the artist. That life is a composition piece; a unique woven tapestry of the choices we make.  Dorothy Sander said: “We are all artists. We just create on our own unique kind of canvas.” I say, we are all artists and we create our own lives. 

One choice we make is attitude: we can see ourselves aging gracefully, and beautifully, with longevity. Not at all surprisingly, having a positive attitude contributes to longevity. Research by Becky Levy proves that having a positive outlook on aging can add seven and a half years to one's life.

But there is more to this story than just attitude. Genetics accounts for 1/3 of the factors that lead to a long life so there is the other 2/3 which is the composition of all of the choices we make each moment of every day: what we eat or drink; what we do or don't do; whether we smoke or not; what time we go to bed and get up, etc. We can decide to live healthier and enjoy feeling good as we move along the longevity pathway. To give you a few ideas of choices that serve us well, here are some examples from my book, The Aging Gracefully Pathway: A Toolkit for the Journey. Some of them may surprise or intrigue you:

Longevity Quick Tips: 

 -Drink water to be healthy, think clearly, and even lose weight. 

    -Play in the dirt a little (gardening is so good for us in so many ways) to help win the aging battle (strengthens immunity).

    -Prevent gum disease: Floss your teeth - adds six years to your life.

    -From RealAge.com: Two 20 minute walks per day can take five years off your biologic age.

    -Shedding pounds can add 3-4 years to your life. 

    -Appreciate the magnificent equipment the body is, listening to what it has to say, and acting as its steward.

  Thank you Doctor.  

  Dr. Cheryl Townsend Winter's book is available at Amazon. 

Beauty Parlor Wisdom

Robbie Kaye, my 92-year old mom, and me, at the Griffin Museum

Three years ago I featured California photojournalist, Robbie Kaye, on Lines of Beauty when she traipsing across America photographing older women in beauty parlors.

Photograph by Robbie Kaye

Dedicated to changing the perception of aging and beauty, Robbie's inspiring book of beauty parlor portraits and essays, titled Beauty and Wisdom, is now complete. Luckily for me, Robbie was in Boston last week for the opening of her photography show at the Griffin Museum. We bi-coastal cyber friends, with similar missions, finally had a chance to meet and it was so much fun.

"True Beauty is what comes to mind when I look at the beautiful photographs in Robbie Kaye's book; "Beauty and Wisdom". Robbie boldly reminds us with gentle wisdom that we have a choice at how we perceive beauty and aging. When we look at ourselves through a clear lens as she does, what we see becomes a work of art."

~M.J. Rolek

I couldn't have said it better.

Thank you Robbie for your dedication to sharing the masterpiece that resides with all of us, as we grow older.

~ Louise