Piggybacking a New Habit

 

My 7th Decade Begins

Photo by Caroline Fernandes

Last week I turned 60. I celebrated by inviting my two families to roast (or toast) me and dance to rock & roll.

All on zoom of course.

Going into it, I imagined it to be the worst birthday I'd ever have but it turned out to be my favorite, even though processing some of the roasts has taken time to do, as I anticipated it might.

My take-away is that going forward, I need to take better care in not embarrassing those around me by being and expressing myself, without a filter.

I am a free spirit who has always lived in a bit of a bubble, so my work to be more conscious of my effect on others, is now laid out before me.

Gratefully.

There is a back story to this of course. 

When I was in college at BU (Boston U), the school gave out metal buttons that some of us put on our jean jackets. The buttons said "Be You".

I was more than knee deep in an eating disorder at the time and surrounded by many new personalities & cultures that confused me, about who I was. But more importantly, I no longer liked being on the swim team, and the pressure, and confinement of being on an athletic scholarship. 

I started therapy for my eating disorder, quit swimming and the "Be You" button, became my internal motto. I told no one. But I knew deep down that if I was going to find my way to health and happiness, I needed to start being myself, as well as discover more parts of me, that I hadn't yet met.

I needed to find my compass.

And there began my focus on being myself and not worrying, or caring, about what everyone else thought. 

A life process this is.

I also had the added pressure of growing up with 4 much older siblings, which was kind of like growing up with 6 mothers and fathers, instead of just two. This was both a fortunate thing but also sometimes hard.

So here I sit, as a 60-year-old, still making my way, but feeling more like myself than I ever have, thank goodness. 

Time is clearly running out.

At age 46, my daughter took the photo of me above in Costa Rica. At the time I didn't like it of me at all. It was much too raw, naked and serious.

Now as my skin continues to droop all over my body, I have new appreciation for the photo and for what it captured!

This sounds familiar I'm sure.

Happy belated Valentine's Day to you all, my dear readers,

 💘 Louise

 

Truly

 and trust them. 💗

The Blow-Up Bra

In celebration of our new administration this week, I bring you a little humor and a true story.

Yes, a blow-up bra, inflated with something as simple as a straw. 

No bike pump needed.

Below, 94-year-old Betty Jenkins, tells her story about how an inflatable bra, that her mom gave her to wear, actually blew-up, in a most inconvenient place.

Imagine if they had something similar for a guy. 

I also love this animated version of her story:

The Blow-Up Bra (a handmade animation by Manual Cinema with audio story provided by StoryCorps) from Manual Cinema on Vimeo.

A New Year Begins

Happy New Year to you all. We've rounded a corner and here awaits, a new road and maybe even a bit of magic perhaps? 👀

We shall see.

Already I feel like there is going to be some new magic happening on January 21st when agent orange leaves office. 

A few months ago, I began wondering, like many of you I'm sure, how the hell I am going to survive this winter? 

What do I want to have done when I come out the other end of it? What is going to keep me content & occupied during this time? 

So I began to make a list:

* Dig out my big pile of journals from the basement, dating back as far as 4th grade and read them.

* Go through my file drawers and chuck all the info that I no longer need.

* Cozy up my home more by wallpapering one wall in my bedroom (I bought the wallpaper several months ago and there it has sat), buy new textiles and whatever else catches my eye.

 

* Continue swimming as long as I can outdoors. I just ordered a much thicker wetsuit and I'm curious how far into the winter it will take me. Walden Pond may freeze but the bay in Boston, where I swam today, won't. Cold water swimming gets less scary and more euphotic the longer I do it. There was a great article about it keeping people sane yesterday in the NYTimes, if you're interested, HERE.

* I have been playing a beloved game called SETTLERS OF CATAN online since Covid hit but I want to find a new game to play online with my sister. Does anyone have one they can recommend? I'm thinking Scrabble as one idea.

* Continue to strengthen my core to support my healed, but once fractured, 5th vertebrae, from a year ago.

* Complete the 12-week book/support group that I just committed to, THE ARTIST'S WAY.

* I also might want to take an online astrology class but maybe this will be too much right now.

* Get out and snow shoe, ski and ice skate.

* Meet my kids for walks & skating in Maine.

* Keep peculating on a story I want to pitch to the NYTimes & gather the courage to send it to them (it’s not about my 32 year long marriage).  

* Read more.

* Finish knitting the sweater I started when Covid hit.

* Pamper myself. My favorite way of doing this has always been massages but I can at least take hot Epsom salt baths and do other things like get my haircut.

One last thing this week-

I was sent a helpful article recently from Ten Percent Happier called THE LONELY WINTER. Truly helpful & comforting.

We're going to make it through this.

We're going to make it through this.

In peace, until next time,

Louise

And Then

Backyard beauty

Yesterday, I loaded my Christmas sleigh with treats and drove to Maine in the rain to meet my kids and their dad for a short Christmas day visit. Masked, we sat in an air-filled sunporch, had brunch and opened presents. A sweet, unusual celebration, that I will certainly remember forever, as I imagine you all will this year. 

Between brunch and dessert, I went for a walk in the rain with one of my daughters. Earlier in the week I had jotted down that one thing that I feel is going on during covid is that everyone is taking everything very seriously right now. Globally. Understandably. But when we can collaboratively just be in it and be with it, and not make it feel like a life and death situation, when everything isn't, it's so much easier and so much lighter to bare. 

For starters, I need to breath more and release the tension of the pandemic in my body. 

And usher in more gratitude.

And continue to step forward into trying new things that resonate for me. 

It's a very hard time historically but we are actually right where we are suppose to be.

As my good friend Cindy has said before, about times of transition, we need to continue to live, while adjusting.

Yes.

After writing all the above down, I peered in on how the pandemic has been affecting me personally and one of things I noticed is that I hadn't cried in a very long time. In the coping of life during covid, I have become a bit  hardened. No longer as soft. Not as much like my true nature, especially the last several years. 

I've been holding tears in, perhaps in an attempt to hold life together.

But then, yesterday on the walk in the rain, the floodgate of tears blessedly began to open, and wash over me, and I've been ushering them in ever since.

And gosh does it feel good & soothing.

Tears really are our strength.

Sending them, and hope, and love out into the world today to you. 

Louise 💗

Reminders for the Soul

Happy full moon!

You may remember awhile ago I did a post on setting reminders on my iphone to remind myself to do certain things for daily living and other ways to take care of myself.

It is HERE if you missed it. 

I keep adding to my reminders and it has been so helpful for keeping my head on the right side of the track, especially as we continue to be pandemically challenged. 

I thought I'd share some of them with you today:

• Love is the answer to everything.

• Fears are just stories we tell ourselves.

• Breath into stress. Breath into everything.

• The only approval I need to have is my own.

• If it costs me my peace, it's too expensive.

• Be where I feel most alive.

• Don't allow my light to get dimmed by someone else.

• Tears are my strength.

• Be with whatever is and watch it disappear.

• Notice tension in my body and breath into it to release it.

• Get unstuck for the need for security.

• Do things that scare me.

• Be the brick, not the sponge (very helpful when around disfunction).

• Disease ( dis-ease) = not being able to release anger and not being able to forgive.

• I don't abandon myself for the needs of others.

• Listen carefully to my internal compass.

• Enoughness is the seed of love.

• Be with what you fear and watch it disappear.

• Say what I am afraid to say.

• Lead with the truth.

• Fall in love with the unknown.

That's it for now. Have a good week! 💗

Pandemically Challenged

Photo by Carin Ingalsbe. Iron Mt, another beautiful spot.

First of all, a belated Happy Thanksgiving to you all. It was one, I believe, that many of us will never forget, as we continue to be pandemically challenged. I love this term, that I've borrowed from someone who I am in a relationship with. You'd think it would be all over the web but when I googled it, I hardly found any mention of it which surprised me.

Recently I celebrated the one year anniversary of fracturing my 5th vertebrae, trying to move a stackable washer & dryer. I know :-( But I am well healed with the help of my great chiropractor, CARMEN GOULET and committing to strengthening my core thank goodness.

Secondly, I've been continuing to swim at beautiful WALDEN POND, where I have been swimming since early May, because of pool closings. The only thing is, now the water temperature is struggling to reach 50 degrees. If anyone had told me, before the pandemic hit, that I would ever be swimming in water this cold, I would've said, "Absolutely not!" When my kids were little, they could barely get me in the water, unless it was a steaming hot day. 

And now, this crazy cold water swimming that I am doing...

and LOVING....

(Did I just say that?)

....is crazy good! 

It is scary, euphoric and exciting (with a head-to-toe wetsuit on of course)

And it's made me very curious. I've been going down the rabbit hole and reading all I can about the HEALTH BENEFITS of cold water swimming (and showers), which includes, reducing inflammation.

I don't know how much longer I can do it but I do know this- I don't want it to end.

People swim Walden all winter unless it freezes solid. Last winter, pre-covid, they even cut a swimming channel in the semi-ice, through the middle of the pond. I was like WTF?

But this was before we all became pandemically challenged and changed up our reality. It's interesting how this has happened, for all of us, in different ways, as we continue to gather and instill coping strategies.

I hope this post finds you and your loved ones well. 😘😷😘

  

Happy Full Moon

And Happy Halloween!

Hopefully we are in the dawn of a new era in just a few shorts days. I imagine most of you have seen this music video that Barabara Streisand made about Trump in 2018, way before Covid hit and we saw more of his true colors.

A president who lies AND doesn't care about people. It can't get any worse then this.

Also this week, I wanted to share this funny, but not so funny, anti-Trump ad, that is much better entertainment than many of the things I'm seeing. Click HERE if you'd like to see it.

Sending love out into the world as always, WITH FINGERS CROSSED!

Louise

The Savoring

It feels strange to share this post when our country is on the brink of who knows what with the election but I’ve been doing my best to turn my gaze and thoughts and listening away from the media and as best I can, continue to look for the yumminess around me whenever I can.

Someone close recently shared with me that there is a strong connection between happiness and being able to savor life through our senses. This rang so true for me. Sensuous from an early age, I like many of you no doubt, experience so much of life in a very deep way, through touch, taste, scent, sight and music. This is partly just born temperament perhaps but also that I had parents who were both very sensuous and spoke frequently about the joy of receiving from all things beautiful, delicious and incredible.

Our senses are simple, free, pleasures in life. How lucky are we in this ability to reap their treasures? Tapping more deeply into my senses has been another silver lining of Covid for me.

I’m curious now as I write this, how much being in tune with our senses has to do with strengthening the 6th sense of intuition?

I imagine that there is a strong connection with living a sensuous life and the ability to feel energies and receive knowledge that we can't explain. We’re all intuitive in some way, especially the quieter we are, which allows us to do things like tap into someone's words unspoken or the tippy top view of a situation.

This brings me to the 7th sense of body awareness and all the information and messages we can receive by simply tapping into how our bodies feel. The messages our body gives us can run the gamut from a fight or flight response, to an actual pain in the neck when we're around someone who is one, to how wonderful someone or something feels, or not.

Wayne Dyer was so accurate when he said “It’s right, when your body feels good.”

Our mind plays tricks but our body's subtle or not so subtle messages, are like truth serum.

Slow down,

Listen

Stop striving

Feel

Savor

Relish

And cross your fingers that the kook in the White House will soon be no longer!

This is my message to share today.

Sending love to you all,

Louise

 

Beautiful Aging Souls Are We

As I continue to let my hair gray, sometimes I catch my reflection and think "Who is this older woman?" Usually I celebrate her but also, in some moments, mourn my younger self, while loving the arrival of my gray and the new, more real me & authentic, natural beauty.

It's a lot to put together this whole aging thing isn't it? Even though, in simpler terms, it's as natural as getting our baby teeth. 

Lately a friend questioned whether she should dye her gorgeous gray locks while looking for a new job. I suggested that she doesn't. I questioned if she really wants to work for someone who might judge her ability to be a good employee partly by her age and hair color. 

It’s unfortunate that we even have to consider this question. Women certainly more than men. 

The whole ageism culture we live in is exhausting head trash. I want, at least in some small way, to change people's perceptions of the aging process. 

My wish for everyone is to age more peacefully, like the generations of women who aged before us. 

How lucky we are to be able to age?

So lucky, especially as of late, with the boogie monster of Covid all around us.

So in this light, I have two things to share with you this week. The first is my PINTEREST BOARD that is full of gorgeous, wrinkly, beautiful, aging souls.

Eye candy. Truly.

The softening of all of us. 

We are all works of art.  

The 2nd is a PODCAST with Brene Brown and Sonya Renee Taylor, the author of The Body Is Not an Apology- The Power of Radical Self -Love .

SONYA'S WEBSITE is also fabulous and has a free download on 10 Tools For Radical Self- Love, on the right hand side of her homepage.

Chow and love for now, my aging beauties. 💜

Remind Me

 Most of us are probably familiar with the Reminders App on an Iphone.

This little app has revolutionized my life. Because of it, gone are the post-it notes on my mirror, doors and car dash board- as well as those scribbled in ink on the back of my hand.

Amen halleluja.

 Maybe this is old news to many of you but in case it isn't read on.

For instance, do you need to remember to get gas? 

Just say to Siri, " Remind me to get gas today (or tomorrow) at 8AM" and she'll set the reminder for you.

It's like we have a little assistant right in palm of our hands.

We can also have her set daily health reminders such as:

8am- take vitamins

12:00pm- drink plenty of water

10:30pm- get to bed early for optimal health & beauty rest :-)

We can set weekly reminders: 

Thursday at 9am- take out the garbage & recycling.

Saturday at 10am- water the houseplants

We can set monthly reminders:

First of the month- do bills

15th of the month- renew swim pass

We can set annual reminders:

Car inspection

Put snow tires on/take them off.

Yada yada yada...

But here's the best thing-

We can set mental reminders for behavior modification. For instance, when we almost butt heads with someone and want to skip the drama- 

"Take a breath, let it settle, go into self for a minute and then respond (or not)." 

And even better than this, we can set affirmations for ourselves. 

Oh yes, so good...

" I don't take what others are going through personally."

 "Trust the process."

"Remember to always listen to my heart"

Have a good week my lovelies.

We're going to make it through this crazier than crazy time.

💗

Natural Highs

In Covid, many more people have naturally been struggling in one degree or another with depression. It's a crazy ass world we are all walking in. I was telling a friend lately that we all just need to keep walking each other through the mess.

Literally and figuratively.

I believe that most of us are searching for a grounding cord in a very big way.  

The good news is that our bodies are a reservoir of chemical resources that we can tap into at any time to feel better and we sometimes forget about this. We're all natural chemistry sets that don’t cost even a dime.    

However, on the other side of the coin, is that it is often helpful to just allow ourselves to feel blue. Putting our arms around the darkness helps us to move through it, rather than trying to push it away. A mental health day on the couch isn't a bad thing.

Also this week, a short Covid article that helped me to better understand why I like to talk to people, even strangers and people I barely know.:

THE VALUE OF TALKING TO STRANGERS.

Have a good weekend my friends.

💗

Two Threes

 

As we all move along in a new life, evolving with covid, and we traverse the hills and valleys where it takes us, I’m grateful that some of the coping skills that I harnessed in the few hard years prior to the pandemic, continue to nurture me. 

The virus won’t last forever but it’s not going to go away until everyone starts taking it seriously. 

Someday, it will be in our rear view mirror and I’m very curious what we will all then see in front of us. 

Given the current political situation, there are so many rabbit holes I could go into discussing right now, but this post is intended to be a relief from our fucked-up crazy political climate. The most positive thing I can say about politics is that hopefully we are on the brink of a great awakening. I pray.

It might take another four years with this Bozo but hopefully that’s not where we’re headed. This is my vibration, my prayer, my hope.

Which brings me to the first set of three things, that help me navigate difficult times-

My 3 coping skills:

1.) BE HERE NOW, there is no present like the present. When I begin to worry about the future or rehash some of the past, it can quickly throw me off kilter. One of the beauties of covid is that, almost like osmosis, it has taught us to live more beautifully in the present.

2.) Every day I try my best to take care of myself with yoga, swimming or running, eating well, journaling, getting enough sleep, talking with loved ones and taking time for the things that I love to do.

3.) Each day I ask myself "What needs to be done today?" and as best as I can, I set about doing it. I also continue to do and search for what I love, for what lights me up and brings me joy.

My 3 coping items:

(If I have these with me wherever I go, I am pretty content)

1.) My running shoes and speedo/goggles for swimming laps or open water.

2.) A good book that allows me to fall into someone else's story and have a diversion away from the world.

3.) My knitting  

Maybe you have a similar list?

Also this week, a quote from ADHD specialist Dr. Ned Hallowell:

Happiness = Love + Connection + Play

Yay! So grab someone and go out and have some fun!

I was texting with an old friend today and she shared:

"It's an odd time we're in but we really do just have to take it one day at a time and make each day as happy, peaceful and as fulfilling as we can."

Truly.

Sending my love out to all of you, 

Louise

The Beauty of Aging

I lost a friend this week, who was one of Lines of Beauty's first Beauties of the Week. KAMALA, thank you for your light and inspiration, especially right now as I allow my hair to transition to gray. It took me almost 10 years but I am finally following in your footsteps. I wish so much I could tell you this now.

I think you'd also love to see these other BEAUTIFUL FACES.

Sending love to you on the other side, my dear Kamala. May your soul rest in peace. 💔

The List of Honesty

I've been feeling a little out of sorts lately with not enough down time or time to be creative. Feeling like I am on a bit of a treadmill and putting out too many little fires, even in Covid.

I imagine you might know what I mean.

So I stopped myself last night and pondered what I'm yearning for besides more downtime and creativity and it prompted me to make a list that I have never made before or have even thought to make.

A list I was kind of afraid to make it turns out.

The list of honesty.

I thought I could make a list of things that make me happy. Like dancing, going to the beach, holding babies, human connection, touch, reading a good book...knitting...chocolate...swimming. Blah blah blah. That's easy to do. But what I was trying to uncover was a list of experiences that I've had throughout my lifetime that were truly rich and made me feel alive.

And connected.

That had real substance.

Experiences that made me feel like I am in love but don't necessarily have anything to do with another person.

This took some time. It prompted me to slow down and remember moments that have been golden.

Not storybook golden, or anyone else golden, but just me golden.

It turned out that many of the things that showed up on my list were experiences that involved discomfort in terms of doing something that I was afraid to do. Experiences that made me feel vulnerable but I was able to get to the other side of and stretch beyond my comfort zone.

Some of the other things on the list I would put in the "self-help" category. Times when I have stumbled and needed guidance. Sometimes, a boat load of guidance.

Interestingly, some very sad times are also on the list. Like losing my parents, celebrating their lives and cleaning out/selling my childhood home.

The other interesting thing is that only one of the vacations that I have ever taken is on the list.

This was a big ah-ha.

Lines of Beauty is also of course on the list.

So thank you for continuing to stop in and read what is on my sometimes wacko little mind :-)

Louise

Comic Elixir

Thank you Agent Orange impersonator, SARAH COOPER, for helping us through this nightmare.

Keep it coming, you're fabulous!

There is Light

We can decide to be happy,

make much out of little,

embrace the warmth of our ordinary days.

Life unfolds as a mystery,

an enterprise who’s outcome cannot be foretold.

We do not get what we expect.

We stumble on cracks, are faced with imperfection.

Bonds are tested and tightened.

And our landscapes shift, in the sunshine and in shade.

There is light.

There is.

Look for it.

Look for it shining over your shoulder, on the past.

It was light where you went once.

It is light where you are now,

It will be light where you will go again.


~ A favorite quote from Call the Midwife

Aruba 2019

Health and Wellness with Louise

The week before covid hit, I passed my oral exams, after a year+ certification process with Coaches Training Institute, to be a health and wellness coach.

I've been working on my coaching website since then and it is finally up and running (almost). I'm still working on a Powerful Quotes page that I thought of to do. With Instagram and Pinterest in our lives especially, there are so many good quotes to choose from it's unbelievable.

CLICK HERE if you would like to see it!

The Great Realisation

Happy Mama's Day and love to everyone.

Whether you are a mother to your own, or a mother figure to someone in your life, or even a mama to a beloved animal, we all certainly know the role of being a mother in some way.

I was thinking how since the new world of covid has arrived that many of us are experiencing mothering in new ways. Especially those who are caring for ones that are sick or in need of help or those giving extra love to people on the front-line in the medical world, so that they can get up everyday and do their heroic jobs in an unprecedented way, in this unprecedented time.

A shoutout of gratitude to all the helpers big and small!

 Enjoy the beautiful video above on this day.

Louise ♥️

When This Will All End

Ten Years Ago Today

Ten years ago today.... I started Lines of Beauty.

529 POSTS later, I still get excited about having this online notebook to solidify my thoughts, on not just the process of aging, but more importantly, on life itself.

There have been some stretches however, when going through challenging times, that I have considered ending Lines of Beauty. I am so very grateful though that I didn't.

The blog has oddly become a dear friend to me.

Early on, I was hyper-focused on how many weekly hits the blog was getting but then decided that I needed to simply write, just for myself, and that anyone who happened to land here and found resonance with what I was sharing, was icing on the cake.

Thus for many years now, I rarely ever look at the blog's hits and stats.

However, today I looked back to MY VERY FIRST POST and was shocked to find that it has been viewed 28,094 times.

Holy motha'!

Something about this makes me feel good.

What is it that the shrinks say?
That more than needing to be loved, we just desire to be seen and acknowledged...

So if you are reading this, thank you.


I hope you all are doing okay out there.

For myself, I continue to begin each day, during this time of covid-19, as I have the last three difficult years, with two questions:

How can I take care of myself today?

and

What needs to be done?

Maybe ya'all are doing something similar?

In celebration of Lines of Beauty, I leave you with 10 THINGS FOR KEEPING A SOLID CENTER, as well as a video, which I especially love the humor of, because the only thing my mom ever complained about her aging body was her "crepey neck."

Thank you so much mama for not being a neurotic aging mother...


Happy Covid Easter and Passover 😯

Sending love out to all of you,

Louise

Sweet Caroline

Neil Diamond has written a new rendition of Sweet Caroline for Corona-19. I'm digging how artists, new and old, are coming forth to entertain, amidst such a trying time.

Six Feet Together

Photo by Caroline J. Fernandes

I've been thinking about writing this post the last few weeks, as my thoughts keep fermenting, as life continues to morph, into the unknown.

For now, I'd like to set aside the devastating health tragedies and sorrows, the crippling financial impact and Mister Agent Orange.

Just for a minute,

in this unprecedented time, as we try and move forward, without any answers or frame of reference for a pandemic.

Suddenly it feels as if the world is shrinking, this virus being the greatest unifier and equalizer ever. We are all in a shake down, living life upside-down, together.

But yet apart.

I love that we are more dependent on each other than we have ever been. As moral support, dropping food off at doorsteps, saving each other from the abyss of boredom. Not to mention the incredible sacrifices those on the front lines in the medical world are coming forth with.

Life is changing every day, asking all of us to do less, give more and live very differently.

Life is asking us to rethink and I find such beauty in this.

A good friend of mine shared, "We always want the situation to change, not realizing we were placed in it, so that we may change."

Truly.

What a disorienting situation this is but there is so much that is being illuminated. So much that we are facing as individuals and as a collective, as we face this global crisis.

To evolve perhaps into a new way of being together?

What if we became curious with this alone time and had no mission other than to experience being? What might we find in the quietness, not just in the night, but now in our days?

What if a true purpose is found in this new space?

I believe this pause is filled with opportunity. Not the opportunity to get the taxes done or finish a book or master something, but the opportunity to get comfortable in our uncomfortableness. The opportunity to be without a path forward, for the first time in our lives.

All over the world people are slowing way down and reflecting.

To perhaps what truly matters.

To love.

I've been lying on my bed and just staring up at the ceiling some mornings. I actually became so still the other morning that I saw one of the lilies in a vase next to my bed, spring open. This I had never seen before, except in time-lapse photography.

So what does it all mean?

I don't know.

All I know is that there is some crazy good things going on in between all the heartache, personal struggles and anxiety.

Good things that we haven't been able to see and live nearly as well, until now.

People singing & playing instruments for each other across alley ways, skies less filled with gas fumes, wildlife benefiting, strangers giving their phone numbers to the elderly, so that they may have someone to call in need and the burst of art and creativity that is exploding everywhere.

All over the world people are looking at their neighbors and the people they pass on the street, in a new way.

In a new light.

Perhaps this is all as it is suppose to be.



Sending love your way,
every day,

 💗Louise

The Second Story

When I first think of the word spiritual and remember adolescence, I think of being at our Presbyterian, church up in the balcony, with my friends and having very inappropriate bouts of laughter. 

I'm reflecting on one Sunday in 9th grade when this bad behavior grew so hard to contain that I had to leave the church and go out into the hallway. Unfortunately my mom was there as I made my way to the restroom. I was red in the face and still trying to control my laughter, when we bumped into each other. 

She responded quite simply that if this was all I was getting out of going to church, that I didn’t need to come anymore.

WHAT??? 

Was she serious? 

She was.

It was shocking to hear her say this but I felt I had been spared one of the most boring things in my life and was very grateful to be released from my Sunday church obligation.

It is clear to me that my spiritual development in adolescence did not happen inside the church, as nurturing as the community of it was.

Instead, I have very vivid memories of sunsets in my parent’s backyard as I looked northwest from the Niagara River where it met Lake Ontario, across from Toronto. 

Big, bold, beautiful sunsets of brilliant oranges, reds, pinks and yellows. Seeing those sunsets was my first experience with the magnificence of nature. When I think of them now, through my mind's eye, I can still feel how my body felt when I experienced their beauty.

I can also still feel my body when I think about sailing in those days, especially with the quiet solitude of my father. My memories of being on the boat with him, sometimes in very choppy waters, as the wind and weather swept and propelled the sailboat forward, were my first glimpses of my body being connected to a rhythm and physicality, outside of my own.

Perhaps the adolescent years were mostly about getting in touch with spirituality through my physical being.

Enter getting stoned on marijuana for the first time in 9th grade...

...and the music and lyrics that we listened to, while getting high and the delicious kissing that ensued. Now there was some yummy, potent, spiritual development.

Also during this time, like two of my brothers before me, I became a competitive swimmer and discovered the capable athlete that I still am.

Perhaps the socialization skills I learned in the first ten years of life, coupled with getting to know my physical being, like I did as an swimmer, prepared me to join together physically with another human being, in the richness of adolescence, a few years later. 

And perhaps all those abundant hormones pumping through us, were part of the magic, that made it all happen.