1969 with our foreign exchange student from the Netherlands
As Emerson said, we see our
life in glimpses and glances.
I’ve arrived in my childhood home, where it all
began, and I’m knowing it for the first time.
I look around.
What comes to me when I think
of spiritual here?
It was 1961 when I was born.
My siblings were ages 14, 12, 9, and 8-years-old
when I arrived. For all my childhood, I was a keen observer of the 4 of them
and they shed the love upon me, that my parents taught us to share through
example. When I think about spiritually in my upbringing, I think about love
and light and the interconnectedness of not just human beings but all living
things on earth.
My baptism ( check out my mom's hat)
My parents loved each other deeply
and supported their five kids with compassion for where we each were in our
lives. They were usually conscious about not making their agenda our agenda,
which allowed our spirits to bloom and grow.
There were never any
conversations about God in our home as I remember (except when my hippie
siblings revolted against going to church and said that there was no such thing
as a God) but I know that spirituality lived in them, even though I couldn’t possibly
articulate this then.
I always had the feeling that
my parents were incredibly grateful for everything that they had and I don’t mean
materialistically. I think they understood that health and life could change on
a dime and they showed their gratitude for living daily, with a blessing at night
They brought other people into
the nest of our home frequently and put their wings around visitors as if they
were their own.
There was a feeling in MY CHILDHOOD HOME that I was in the right place and it wasn’t just because I felt very
loved. I think it was partly the light coming in the windows, the classical
music that was frequently playing, my dad whistling, the aroma of my mom’s good
cooking and the affection that was given each night before bedtime. It
was a safe and nurturing place to grow up and I felt very grateful for this, once
I was old enough to visit other homes and realized that not everyone was as blessed
as I was.
When I think of spirituality in
my childhood home, I also think of the five senses. My parents were both such
sensuous beings. They were tapped into beauty, touch, taste, smell and sound
and I believe they were also tapped into the sixth sense of intuition. I don’t
think this was ever articulated but they were both keen observers and very deep
in their own way, as well as connected to nature profoundly. This is my first story.
For the first time in 36 years years I am truly a free-floater. If anyone had told me 3 years ago that I would be where I am right now and living alone, I would've been scared to death.
Of course I had thought of the possibility myself, but quickly slammed the door on the likelihood of it happening, as if what lived on the other side of the door was the biggest boogie monster of them all.
Me, untethered to anyone other than my dear family & friends.
Dangling in the abyss, without the grounding cord of a long, long marriage. Finding my way through murky waters, a lone traveler, on a densely fog-filled road.
Those were the sort of visions I'd have in the middle of the night early on.
"But fears are just stories we tell ourselves,” I’d say to myself.
"Do what you're afraid to do," I'd say in the darkness of the night.
So many people make their way alone in life, at least for awhile.
Could I be one of them?
Because for me there finally came a fork in the road, in the marriage that I was trying to save.
At the fork, there was a new road that I had begun to pave for myself and I finally decided to take it.
Working to save my marriage felt like a bolder that I was trying to push up hill for way too long. So I stepped aside the bolder and allowed it to roll effortlessly past me.
We know a decision is right when every cell in our body applauds us in relief. This is how I felt when I let the bolder go.
The past 3 years gave me time to grow closer to my soul and what I need and don't need to carry on.
My soul is my partner right now, and it feels so right and so good.